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askygoneonfireI was 15 the first time I experienced a bout of depression. In its course, it cost me my friends and my confidence. Every bout since has, one way or another, cost me something too.
I 'realised' when I was 15 there was no point in anything, so I stopped talking and doing much of anything. It all just felt....pointless. My friends begged to know what was wrong, then they bargained with me to reveal my secret, then they got angry at me. When I 'came out' of it, as it were, they asked again. 'Nothing to tell', I said - I felt like my realisation was too awful to share, too absolutely true (like in the Radiohead video!) so I kept it to myself. This made my friends more angry. And then, one day, they cornered me, all 4 of them. And they yelled at me; said I was paranoid and selfish and annoying and worthless and demanded I apologised to them for being those things and upsetting them. I refused, cried, shook and just asked for them to accept the absent answer. But they couldn't, or wouldn't accept that, so they stopped being my friends and for a while I had no friends at all. And that was kind of crap.
I feel like every conflict which has ever arisen between me and those around me as a result of my lurching in and out of depressive periods in the 11 years since then has merely been a more subtle, refined version of that argument. In essence, it's always about the same things; my inability to answer, my being awful to be around during those times, their frustration, and our mutual miscommunication.
These days manic periods provide me with the feeling I am managing to make connections, build bridges and improve my lot. Frequently, in the cold light of day/non-mania, I realise I am just as socially ineffective during these periods and surely more annoying as I dominate conversations and babble away, laughing at my own jokes and interrupting everyone who tries to make a comment. Predictably, this recognition of who I have been over the past few days/weeks brings with it renewed despair and depression.
This Sunday gone I felt it all falling away from me again, just like it did that very first lonely, disorientating time when I was 15, and in fear and panic I deleted my livejournal (for the first time in it's 7 year history, I might add) and my facebook account. It may not have been the best way forward - socially - and these may not be permanent changes, but in the frantic anxiety of the moment it was, and remains, the right decision. A couple of people have passed on messages that some people were worried about my sudden disappearance which, thoughtlessly, I didn't consider or anticipate and for causing that concern I apologise. Right now, I need to run a little.
I 'realised' when I was 15 there was no point in anything, so I stopped talking and doing much of anything. It all just felt....pointless. My friends begged to know what was wrong, then they bargained with me to reveal my secret, then they got angry at me. When I 'came out' of it, as it were, they asked again. 'Nothing to tell', I said - I felt like my realisation was too awful to share, too absolutely true (like in the Radiohead video!) so I kept it to myself. This made my friends more angry. And then, one day, they cornered me, all 4 of them. And they yelled at me; said I was paranoid and selfish and annoying and worthless and demanded I apologised to them for being those things and upsetting them. I refused, cried, shook and just asked for them to accept the absent answer. But they couldn't, or wouldn't accept that, so they stopped being my friends and for a while I had no friends at all. And that was kind of crap.
I feel like every conflict which has ever arisen between me and those around me as a result of my lurching in and out of depressive periods in the 11 years since then has merely been a more subtle, refined version of that argument. In essence, it's always about the same things; my inability to answer, my being awful to be around during those times, their frustration, and our mutual miscommunication.
These days manic periods provide me with the feeling I am managing to make connections, build bridges and improve my lot. Frequently, in the cold light of day/non-mania, I realise I am just as socially ineffective during these periods and surely more annoying as I dominate conversations and babble away, laughing at my own jokes and interrupting everyone who tries to make a comment. Predictably, this recognition of who I have been over the past few days/weeks brings with it renewed despair and depression.
This Sunday gone I felt it all falling away from me again, just like it did that very first lonely, disorientating time when I was 15, and in fear and panic I deleted my livejournal (for the first time in it's 7 year history, I might add) and my facebook account. It may not have been the best way forward - socially - and these may not be permanent changes, but in the frantic anxiety of the moment it was, and remains, the right decision. A couple of people have passed on messages that some people were worried about my sudden disappearance which, thoughtlessly, I didn't consider or anticipate and for causing that concern I apologise. Right now, I need to run a little.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-01 01:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-01 09:47 pm (UTC)I understand completely...I actually deleted my lj account for a few hours this past weekend, and then reactivated it. I may have deleted it with worse intentions than you had in mind, and probably I projected my reasons on you, which is why, when I noticed that your lj and your fb accounts were both gone, it scared the crap out of me.
If you do come back to either place, please friend me again. I noticed your accounts were gone because I went to send you a message...I think you might be the only person I know who could understand what's going on.
Take care.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-01 11:24 pm (UTC)I'm glad that you're making the right decisions for yourself. Take care of yourself, I hope the anxiety passes.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-02 12:31 pm (UTC)How have things been since Sunday?
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-02 02:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-02 08:16 pm (UTC)[and on a serious note, please be ok :) ]
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-02 11:34 pm (UTC)I totally understand needing to get away, and getting rid of fb and lj.
Take care of yourself. x
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-05 12:05 am (UTC)Don't know you but I think I understand some of this- I'm cycling rapidly at the moment (fellow cyclothymic) and I 'get' the dropping away feeling and the intense desire to withdraw. Hope you are taking care of yourself. The rejection and miscommunication hurt like hell- a friend of mine refers to it as 'the lonely crucifixion'- but then sometimes miraculous moments of clarity and empathy help bridge the divide. Hope you experience some easier moments where the channels are just clearer and you gain something rather than lose.
I cringe like mad after hypomanic episodes (esp. if I post something vulgar/crass/caustic on facebook or walk around giggling like a loon) but have usually found that the fallout with friends etc isn't nearly as bad as I imagine it to be...they think I'm a little mad but they find it enjoyable and somehow endearing. Most of the time. Anyway the point being that sometimes the build up in your head about how annoying you might be while manic may be unfairly exaggerated... don't know if that helps but i hope it does.
Love, namaste, cheers & all that,
L
ps: remember to breathe :-)