askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (November the 8th)
I really feel I've lost my way with blogging of late. Since I received paid time on here as a gift (thank you again!) I resolved to post more, a measly privacy locked one post followed and that was it.

I was reflecting tonight on what holds me back now and I struck upon my failure to finish the 30 days meme which I embarked upon earlier in the year; in the end I was just bored with my own opinions.  Even the audience participation segments (such as 'tell me what you want to see a picture of and then I'll take it') failed to ignite the spark - I can only imagine disappointment on the part of the requesting party when they see the scene they specified.  

So where can I lay the blame for the shift in my own relationship to waxing lyrical about me? Getting older, I think, for one.  I know what I'm going to say, I know the conclusions I will reach when I pose philosophical questions, I have already said or thought it all before. One of the biggest reasons I want to return, again and again, to academia is to push myself to think in new ways and encounter different pieces of information in a structured way which will force me to make new conclusions about old questions.

The 'new' question of course rears its head at this point - what will I do with myself if I don't win the funding (a strong possibility which no amount of daydreaming about quitting my job will alter) next month? The easy answer is bide my time and apply to multiple sources for funding next year.  An easy answer because it's a short term fix - how many rounds of funding will I apply for before I admit defeat/start seriously relying on a lottery win to get me there? The difficult answer is so hard that I can't even begin to frame its components into clauses.

The nagging uncertainty seems to grow more acute year on year as the number of my peers still fumbling through their working life dwindles to just a handful and I feel a growing sense of anxiety - both at missing out on the certainty my friends exude as they embark on their careers, and at simply being adrift.

I know only one thing, and that is that I must, before the year is out, have a plan in process - or fully executed - which returns me to independent living and out of the family home with its inherent claustrophobias and clashes.

Right now my mind feels like a deserted meadow, all bright colours, gentle breezes and intoxicating scents. But there is a tug all around me, threatening to drag me under and suffocate me with dirt....Trying not to break into a run - not least of all because I know sprinting now will only cause me to trip over my own feet and end up face down in the soil all the sooner.....I keep trying to express the confusion, uncertainty, self doubt and claustrophobia which characterise my every thought but it comes out a jumbled mess.

I've only been sleeping fitfully for 2 weeks now - I think it all ties in to the inability to produce the blog posts I want to (many posts concerning queer theory, feminism and Life all swimming around my mind but slip away like eels the moment I try to catch them in this new-post-window) - I simply lack the necessary mental energy to pin thoughts together.  Nothing is running in straight lines.
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)

[personal profile] liv is hosting a giant non-fandom-centered friending meme.

FYI for anyone arriving here from the meme itself:

I invariably add people simply to read with no designs on them wanting to read me.  I have no strong feelings about who I grant access to, but I don't do it automatically because it seems rather rude to me to thrust my locked stuff on to people who subscribe, if you would like to read the locked stuff just let me know and you shall be added- content under lock is of a more personal nature which I don't want to be google-able or open to IRl persons who might stumble across my journal.

More about who I am on my profile page. Ta.
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
Thank you!

I am terribly excited about having two months of paid account. I've never had a paid account before, I am planning all sorts of exciting activities to exploit the various extra features I now get.

I am also going to try blogging everyday, just to see what happens.

Much love to you, mysterious gifter,



May. 18th, 2009 06:58 pm
askygoneonfire: 'Love' painted on to four fingers of a hand (love hand)
I have two DW invite codes. If you would like them, please reply and/or send me a message with your email address.

I'd also like to encourage the two LJ users who requested invite codes from me (Matt and Lynne I'm looking at you) and haven't used them to use them NOW.  Otherwise I will give them to someone else.  Apparently I'll only get more codes when I've used up all my invite codes - and they only count as used when they are used to create an account, logically enough.

If you would like to know why Dreamwidth is so damn fabulous I would refer you to their FAQ on the ethos behind the project and their pant-wettingly awesome Diversity Statement.

Finally, LJ users can make an OpenID account on DW and create a reading page - this is both cool and convenient.  Particularly because I can grant OpenID users viewing access to my journal, or in LJ vernacular, 'friend' them.
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
 About time I started actually posting, so I thought I'd break myself in easy with a photo post.

If I could say it with a straight face/without laughing myself stupid I'd describe myself as an aspiring artist.  As it is, I'll just say I dabble.

I also dabble in shameless attention whoring, so if you like what you see, be a dear and say so.  Ta very much.

(Click any for bigger)


Apr. 13th, 2009 09:03 pm
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
I have great and glorious plans for this journal, the optimism and enthusiasm which define those plans is influenced and enhanced by the spirit behind the Dreamwidth project.  It is impossible not to be infected with the spirit of the place.

It's going to take me a while to make this place feel like home, and first up I need to paint some swatches of colour on the wall and sit and stare at them for a while, when the basics are established I'll assemble my bookshelves and set up my stereo.  Right now, all I've done is taken possession of my keys, run inside and gleefully danced from room-to-room before flopping down with a mug of tea on an inflatable bed.  

It's going to take a while.  But I know this is going to be home.


askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
a sky gone on fire

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