Queer and after
Jul. 21st, 2009 08:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
askygoneonfireSo, for various reasons, I've been considering what my relationship future holds.
Soon after Ali and I split up I was at the home of a lesbian couple I know. We ended up talking about my pansexuality and one half of the couple asked "so, you could end up with a man, and a marriage, and a heterosexual future?" With some hesitation and a little surprise at the model of life that conjured in my head, I replied "yup".
You see, I spent 5 years building my image of the future around Ali. When that ended I was ready to consider there was a different person in that fantasy of the future, but I never entertained the idea it wasn't a woman. I spent years reminding people I wasn't only a lesbian, I liked men to. That evening I considered it more. Could I re-jig my vision of my future to omit Ali? Yes. Could I include a man in that vision? No.
I began to wonder if I was really pansexual, if in fact I was a lesbian and the pansexual definition was a throwback to being 18. Not only was I single, I was re-examining my sexuality. At 24. After building an academic future and a social life around my sexuality? That was a big deal.
But then men happened. Four of them. And my vision of my future began to shift.
I can see my life being with a man as clearly as I can see it with a woman. There remain problems: I love my queer identity, I love what it means and what social avenues it opens to me. This much I knew. I didn't expect to enjoy heterosexuality quite so much. I didn't expect to feel relief at not being ready to fight everyone and anyone if they expressed disgust or disapproval at my choice of life partner. Expecting the world to be happy that you are happy in a relationship makes the world of difference to expecting to fight the world to be happy for your happiness.
The part where all this is hard? My queer friends view me just the same for sleeping exclusively with men. My straight friends are practically wearing t-shirts which say "did you know she's a failed homo?!". They keep saying I'm straight, my counter argument is that I'm no more straight than I was gay. Apparently that doesn't permeate their consciousness. My queer friends are happy for me to straddle categories, my straight friends want to put me in a box and close the door with mockery and disdain.
I never expected bi-phobia from that quarter. I never expected to feel relieved by engaging in heterosexuality - I didn't realise I'd been fighting. I didn't realise it was habit and not preference which made me say I prefered women. I didn't realise I was this...open but simultaneously...complicated by those around me.
My life is changing faster than I can track.
Soon after Ali and I split up I was at the home of a lesbian couple I know. We ended up talking about my pansexuality and one half of the couple asked "so, you could end up with a man, and a marriage, and a heterosexual future?" With some hesitation and a little surprise at the model of life that conjured in my head, I replied "yup".
You see, I spent 5 years building my image of the future around Ali. When that ended I was ready to consider there was a different person in that fantasy of the future, but I never entertained the idea it wasn't a woman. I spent years reminding people I wasn't only a lesbian, I liked men to. That evening I considered it more. Could I re-jig my vision of my future to omit Ali? Yes. Could I include a man in that vision? No.
I began to wonder if I was really pansexual, if in fact I was a lesbian and the pansexual definition was a throwback to being 18. Not only was I single, I was re-examining my sexuality. At 24. After building an academic future and a social life around my sexuality? That was a big deal.
But then men happened. Four of them. And my vision of my future began to shift.
I can see my life being with a man as clearly as I can see it with a woman. There remain problems: I love my queer identity, I love what it means and what social avenues it opens to me. This much I knew. I didn't expect to enjoy heterosexuality quite so much. I didn't expect to feel relief at not being ready to fight everyone and anyone if they expressed disgust or disapproval at my choice of life partner. Expecting the world to be happy that you are happy in a relationship makes the world of difference to expecting to fight the world to be happy for your happiness.
The part where all this is hard? My queer friends view me just the same for sleeping exclusively with men. My straight friends are practically wearing t-shirts which say "did you know she's a failed homo?!". They keep saying I'm straight, my counter argument is that I'm no more straight than I was gay. Apparently that doesn't permeate their consciousness. My queer friends are happy for me to straddle categories, my straight friends want to put me in a box and close the door with mockery and disdain.
I never expected bi-phobia from that quarter. I never expected to feel relieved by engaging in heterosexuality - I didn't realise I'd been fighting. I didn't realise it was habit and not preference which made me say I prefered women. I didn't realise I was this...open but simultaneously...complicated by those around me.
My life is changing faster than I can track.
