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askygoneonfire When you clear your cache, cookies etc in google chrome the option you click reads "obliterate items from [drop down box] the beginning of time". Wouldn't it be nice if life was that easy?
I have been toying with the idea of making this post for some time, but the day I've had today?
Frequently, I dream about Ali. The theme and end result is always the same although the circumstances change. We met or she tracks me down. Apologises unreservedly, begs me to take her back, demonstrates she has changed and we reunite. Indeed, these dreams have become so common I now reference them in my dreams, most recently I said to Ali, upon the moment of reconciliation "I thought there was something wrong with me because I kept having dreams we got back together and I thought it was because you were the only one for me that I couldn't get past them and everyone told me I was wrong but now we are back together it just proves everyone wrong and that the reason I had the dreams is because I knew it would end this way". Imagine my feelings upon waking and finding that too was a dream.
A woman I work with, who I wrote about when she got her job at my work place back in December has cancer. She is, as I lamented at the time, exactly a year older than me. She found a lump. A week later she was examined at the hospital. A week after that they said it was cancer. A week after that they started chemotherapy to try and shrink it so they could operate. Now the cancer has spread to her liver. Last I heard they were trying to work out if it was in a part of her liver they could remove. Last I heard they were doing scans to see if the cancer was in her brain and her bones. She is exactly a year older than me. People our age aren't supposed to get this shit. They are not supposed to be facing their own mortality like this. I keep crying about it. I barely know her, but she was nice, and friendly and seemed like someone I wanted to get to know and I made efforts to that ends. I'm so angry about it, this is not fair. She is 27 for gods sakes.
My friend S, the one who suffered a traumatic brain injury at the end of last year, text me tonight to ask if I was still looking for a place to live. I said maybe, it was really down to price. Turns out his girlfriend has been living at her parents for the last month "getting her head together" and tonight they decided to split up. They bought a house together about 3 years ago? I feel a deep sadness for this ending. I don't know the details about how things came apart. I barely know her.
I had a massive argument with my Dad tonight. There was an article on 'The One Show' by a woman from the Apprentice who said she went back to work 6 weeks after having a baby because it was the thing she wanted to do and then she spoke to other women who had kids who said her children would suffer. My Dad said she was selfish and shouldn't have had children if she didn't want to stay home and 'bond' with it. I said she was bonded with it and probably saw it every day. My Mum chipped in that my cousin's wife went back to work soon after giving birth and her baby slept during the afternoon so it was awake during the evening when she got home, then my 'discussion' with my Dad intensified and my Mum went into another room and shut the door. I asked him if it mattered, therefore, that the father went back to work after 6 weeks, he said it didn't matter, nor did it matter if the mother went back to work whilst the father stayed home because the bond with the mother was 'different'. I asked him in what way it was different, he said "it just is".
He said her priorities were all wrong if she wanted to work instead of stay home with a child. He said with priorities like those she should never have had kids because she clearly didn't want them. I said thousands of people enjoy work and why shouldn't she continue to do the things she enjoys and have children, in effect, to have her cake and eat it. He said he'd already said why; because babies need to bond with their mothers. I said that was no argument or reason at all. He said "I know more about this than you do" and then smiled smugly.
For the record, when I was little my Dad was a policeman. He was angry all the time because he was either stressed or tired from a night shift or both. My Mum was a housewife. When I was older my Dad took early retirement from the police because he was suffering from severe stress and my Mum went to work and he set up a business doing people's gardens. I remember the change that happened in our house - it was happier. Tell me now that a woman not working is the most important aspect of parenting.
I know that motherhood isn't a magical valley where all roads are open and fulfilment lies at every turn. I know that in essence, 'maternal instinct' is bullshit. If it wasn't there wouldn't be thousands of books available on how to look after infants. I know all this and so much more because I don't live next to women - mothers, I talk to women who are mothers. I know that, for me, taking a year or more off work on maternity leave would leave me miserable. I also know that for many women there could be nothing more wonderful than having that time to dedicate to their offspring. know that parenthood changes your outlook on life. I also know that changing your outlook on life is not automatically the same thing as no longer believing your work to be a central piece of who you are. Most importantly, I know that neither of these positions is right or better than the other. Rather, they are different ways of living which are adopted and practiced by different people.
The pressure to 'be' a mother upon giving birth is, as I understand from both my own mother and the accounts of many, many mothers I have read and spoken to, HUGE. Pile onto that the insistence that leaving your baby in the care of relatives, childcare professionals or even it's father is a form of emotional neglect? You've got a big fat pile of sexism working away to stop women from making the choice they want - whether that be to take 1 years maternity or 1 month. So yeah, I think I do know a bit about it too, Dad.
On an unrelated note, my brother's girlfriend had a c-section last week after 3 days of labour starting, being stopped, being started, stopping...and I have a new nephew.
I have been toying with the idea of making this post for some time, but the day I've had today?
Frequently, I dream about Ali. The theme and end result is always the same although the circumstances change. We met or she tracks me down. Apologises unreservedly, begs me to take her back, demonstrates she has changed and we reunite. Indeed, these dreams have become so common I now reference them in my dreams, most recently I said to Ali, upon the moment of reconciliation "I thought there was something wrong with me because I kept having dreams we got back together and I thought it was because you were the only one for me that I couldn't get past them and everyone told me I was wrong but now we are back together it just proves everyone wrong and that the reason I had the dreams is because I knew it would end this way". Imagine my feelings upon waking and finding that too was a dream.
A woman I work with, who I wrote about when she got her job at my work place back in December has cancer. She is, as I lamented at the time, exactly a year older than me. She found a lump. A week later she was examined at the hospital. A week after that they said it was cancer. A week after that they started chemotherapy to try and shrink it so they could operate. Now the cancer has spread to her liver. Last I heard they were trying to work out if it was in a part of her liver they could remove. Last I heard they were doing scans to see if the cancer was in her brain and her bones. She is exactly a year older than me. People our age aren't supposed to get this shit. They are not supposed to be facing their own mortality like this. I keep crying about it. I barely know her, but she was nice, and friendly and seemed like someone I wanted to get to know and I made efforts to that ends. I'm so angry about it, this is not fair. She is 27 for gods sakes.
My friend S, the one who suffered a traumatic brain injury at the end of last year, text me tonight to ask if I was still looking for a place to live. I said maybe, it was really down to price. Turns out his girlfriend has been living at her parents for the last month "getting her head together" and tonight they decided to split up. They bought a house together about 3 years ago? I feel a deep sadness for this ending. I don't know the details about how things came apart. I barely know her.
I had a massive argument with my Dad tonight. There was an article on 'The One Show' by a woman from the Apprentice who said she went back to work 6 weeks after having a baby because it was the thing she wanted to do and then she spoke to other women who had kids who said her children would suffer. My Dad said she was selfish and shouldn't have had children if she didn't want to stay home and 'bond' with it. I said she was bonded with it and probably saw it every day. My Mum chipped in that my cousin's wife went back to work soon after giving birth and her baby slept during the afternoon so it was awake during the evening when she got home, then my 'discussion' with my Dad intensified and my Mum went into another room and shut the door. I asked him if it mattered, therefore, that the father went back to work after 6 weeks, he said it didn't matter, nor did it matter if the mother went back to work whilst the father stayed home because the bond with the mother was 'different'. I asked him in what way it was different, he said "it just is".
He said her priorities were all wrong if she wanted to work instead of stay home with a child. He said with priorities like those she should never have had kids because she clearly didn't want them. I said thousands of people enjoy work and why shouldn't she continue to do the things she enjoys and have children, in effect, to have her cake and eat it. He said he'd already said why; because babies need to bond with their mothers. I said that was no argument or reason at all. He said "I know more about this than you do" and then smiled smugly.
For the record, when I was little my Dad was a policeman. He was angry all the time because he was either stressed or tired from a night shift or both. My Mum was a housewife. When I was older my Dad took early retirement from the police because he was suffering from severe stress and my Mum went to work and he set up a business doing people's gardens. I remember the change that happened in our house - it was happier. Tell me now that a woman not working is the most important aspect of parenting.
I know that motherhood isn't a magical valley where all roads are open and fulfilment lies at every turn. I know that in essence, 'maternal instinct' is bullshit. If it wasn't there wouldn't be thousands of books available on how to look after infants. I know all this and so much more because I don't live next to women - mothers, I talk to women who are mothers. I know that, for me, taking a year or more off work on maternity leave would leave me miserable. I also know that for many women there could be nothing more wonderful than having that time to dedicate to their offspring. know that parenthood changes your outlook on life. I also know that changing your outlook on life is not automatically the same thing as no longer believing your work to be a central piece of who you are. Most importantly, I know that neither of these positions is right or better than the other. Rather, they are different ways of living which are adopted and practiced by different people.
The pressure to 'be' a mother upon giving birth is, as I understand from both my own mother and the accounts of many, many mothers I have read and spoken to, HUGE. Pile onto that the insistence that leaving your baby in the care of relatives, childcare professionals or even it's father is a form of emotional neglect? You've got a big fat pile of sexism working away to stop women from making the choice they want - whether that be to take 1 years maternity or 1 month. So yeah, I think I do know a bit about it too, Dad.
On an unrelated note, my brother's girlfriend had a c-section last week after 3 days of labour starting, being stopped, being started, stopping...and I have a new nephew.
