(no subject)

 I worked out the other day I was overdue a particularly severe low.  I took action; finally pulled my finger out after a year and registered with university Student Support as having a classifiable disability which could hamper my ability to work.  And then I crossed my fingers, and put it out of my mind.

But here it is.  Like a late running train - always on its way, always just around the corner, and finally, this weekend, rounding the last bend into the station.

Posted on twitter I felt like I was at the top of a rollercoaster, looking down the drop, teetering on the edge, inevitably going to drop.  It happened.  Down I fell.

Down I fall.

Go to bed each night hoping tomorrow is the day I wake up feeling fine.  Have a few glorious moments between sleep and waking thinking 'this is it, today is the day! I feel better' but then it crushes down on me.

Found a taste for booze having not touched a drop or craved a sip for weeks.  Get home, drink until I can fall asleep, wake from nightmares all night long, get up exhausted, drag myself to my desk to work, cry into the keyboard. Repeat.

I went in to uni for the first time in 5 days today as I had a course to attend.  Met some friends for lunch.  Had to excuse myself quickly when I nearly began crying when one of them expressed sympathy and sadness at how tired - exhausted - I looked.  When people can see something is wrong by looking at me then it's a particularly bad low.

Manics providing comfort, solstice, a place to run.  Second half of Know Your Enemy and This is My Truth the go to places today.  Comfort comes.