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Running in circles
Jun. 19th, 2011 10:52 pmI really feel I've lost my way with blogging of late. Since I received paid time on here as a gift (thank you again!) I resolved to post more, a measly privacy locked one post followed and that was it.
I was reflecting tonight on what holds me back now and I struck upon my failure to finish the 30 days meme which I embarked upon earlier in the year; in the end I was just bored with my own opinions. Even the audience participation segments (such as 'tell me what you want to see a picture of and then I'll take it') failed to ignite the spark - I can only imagine disappointment on the part of the requesting party when they see the scene they specified.
So where can I lay the blame for the shift in my own relationship to waxing lyrical about me? Getting older, I think, for one. I know what I'm going to say, I know the conclusions I will reach when I pose philosophical questions, I have already said or thought it all before. One of the biggest reasons I want to return, again and again, to academia is to push myself to think in new ways and encounter different pieces of information in a structured way which will force me to make new conclusions about old questions.
The 'new' question of course rears its head at this point - what will I do with myself if I don't win the funding (a strong possibility which no amount of daydreaming about quitting my job will alter) next month? The easy answer is bide my time and apply to multiple sources for funding next year. An easy answer because it's a short term fix - how many rounds of funding will I apply for before I admit defeat/start seriously relying on a lottery win to get me there? The difficult answer is so hard that I can't even begin to frame its components into clauses.
The nagging uncertainty seems to grow more acute year on year as the number of my peers still fumbling through their working life dwindles to just a handful and I feel a growing sense of anxiety - both at missing out on the certainty my friends exude as they embark on their careers, and at simply being adrift.
I know only one thing, and that is that I must, before the year is out, have a plan in process - or fully executed - which returns me to independent living and out of the family home with its inherent claustrophobias and clashes.
Right now my mind feels like a deserted meadow, all bright colours, gentle breezes and intoxicating scents. But there is a tug all around me, threatening to drag me under and suffocate me with dirt....Trying not to break into a run - not least of all because I know sprinting now will only cause me to trip over my own feet and end up face down in the soil all the sooner.....I keep trying to express the confusion, uncertainty, self doubt and claustrophobia which characterise my every thought but it comes out a jumbled mess.
I've only been sleeping fitfully for 2 weeks now - I think it all ties in to the inability to produce the blog posts I want to (many posts concerning queer theory, feminism and Life all swimming around my mind but slip away like eels the moment I try to catch them in this new-post-window) - I simply lack the necessary mental energy to pin thoughts together. Nothing is running in straight lines.
I was reflecting tonight on what holds me back now and I struck upon my failure to finish the 30 days meme which I embarked upon earlier in the year; in the end I was just bored with my own opinions. Even the audience participation segments (such as 'tell me what you want to see a picture of and then I'll take it') failed to ignite the spark - I can only imagine disappointment on the part of the requesting party when they see the scene they specified.
So where can I lay the blame for the shift in my own relationship to waxing lyrical about me? Getting older, I think, for one. I know what I'm going to say, I know the conclusions I will reach when I pose philosophical questions, I have already said or thought it all before. One of the biggest reasons I want to return, again and again, to academia is to push myself to think in new ways and encounter different pieces of information in a structured way which will force me to make new conclusions about old questions.
The 'new' question of course rears its head at this point - what will I do with myself if I don't win the funding (a strong possibility which no amount of daydreaming about quitting my job will alter) next month? The easy answer is bide my time and apply to multiple sources for funding next year. An easy answer because it's a short term fix - how many rounds of funding will I apply for before I admit defeat/start seriously relying on a lottery win to get me there? The difficult answer is so hard that I can't even begin to frame its components into clauses.
The nagging uncertainty seems to grow more acute year on year as the number of my peers still fumbling through their working life dwindles to just a handful and I feel a growing sense of anxiety - both at missing out on the certainty my friends exude as they embark on their careers, and at simply being adrift.
I know only one thing, and that is that I must, before the year is out, have a plan in process - or fully executed - which returns me to independent living and out of the family home with its inherent claustrophobias and clashes.
Right now my mind feels like a deserted meadow, all bright colours, gentle breezes and intoxicating scents. But there is a tug all around me, threatening to drag me under and suffocate me with dirt....Trying not to break into a run - not least of all because I know sprinting now will only cause me to trip over my own feet and end up face down in the soil all the sooner.....I keep trying to express the confusion, uncertainty, self doubt and claustrophobia which characterise my every thought but it comes out a jumbled mess.
I've only been sleeping fitfully for 2 weeks now - I think it all ties in to the inability to produce the blog posts I want to (many posts concerning queer theory, feminism and Life all swimming around my mind but slip away like eels the moment I try to catch them in this new-post-window) - I simply lack the necessary mental energy to pin thoughts together. Nothing is running in straight lines.
