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30 Days of Manics - Day 18
Aug. 6th, 2010 08:09 pm( Day 17 for those who can't see under f-lock )
Day 18: What do you think has happened to Richey?
There is an aspect to this question which is quite tasteless, and yet it is undoubtedly a requirement of fanhood. You have to have an opinion, and rightly or wrongly everyone does.
For a long time - a very long time - I needed to believe he was alive. That he had been able to escape the pressures he found unmanageable and, in turn, become more than the sum of his symptoms. In short, that he had found health, and perhaps some measure of happiness. I am confident it is easy to disappear completely, people do it every day on the streets of Britain alone; a trip to the tattooist would quickly overpaint those tell-tale tattoos and bam! Just another face.
Over the years, and through the ups and downs of my life that opinion has wavered slightly and then become something I need to cling to again. But over the last year or more that has started to change. I think it was primarily destabilised by his family deciding to declare him legally dead in November 2008 (a notable date for me, think that made it more poignant at the time) - if they are coming down on that side of uncertainty then why should I believe otherwise? And then there was JFPL.
Journal for Plague Lovers dramatically altered my understanding of Richey's state of mind when he left - previously cobbled together evidence, snippets of interviews, gut feelings had informed it. Whether or not William's Last Words is written from his point of view or not, the sentiment, like that of 4st7lbs, is quite clear. The more you read those words the more you find you simply can't deny that suicide was most likely on his mind. There's also the pain which I saw so clearly on Nicky's face when he had to sing William's Last Words at the last gig on the tour in Brighton. Richey loved him, I am sure of that. So how can you be alive, out there somewhere, with the power to end the pain your friends and family so publicly express, and not act?
In some ways, I'd rather believe he was dead and therefore not cruelly, passively sitting back and watching those he loved suffer because they simply don't know whether to mourn him or search for him.
Although it has to be said, even typing "he was dead" makes my heart sink a little. It feels like a loss I can't properly quantify because I never got to have him. I don't want it to be true, because I want a chance to have the band I am forever missing. And I adore that bloody band, I want them to have the person back they are always missing. Always falling over that gap to the right of the stage. I want Nicky to smile like he does in some of those old interviews.
Day 18: What do you think has happened to Richey?
There is an aspect to this question which is quite tasteless, and yet it is undoubtedly a requirement of fanhood. You have to have an opinion, and rightly or wrongly everyone does.
For a long time - a very long time - I needed to believe he was alive. That he had been able to escape the pressures he found unmanageable and, in turn, become more than the sum of his symptoms. In short, that he had found health, and perhaps some measure of happiness. I am confident it is easy to disappear completely, people do it every day on the streets of Britain alone; a trip to the tattooist would quickly overpaint those tell-tale tattoos and bam! Just another face.
Over the years, and through the ups and downs of my life that opinion has wavered slightly and then become something I need to cling to again. But over the last year or more that has started to change. I think it was primarily destabilised by his family deciding to declare him legally dead in November 2008 (a notable date for me, think that made it more poignant at the time) - if they are coming down on that side of uncertainty then why should I believe otherwise? And then there was JFPL.
Journal for Plague Lovers dramatically altered my understanding of Richey's state of mind when he left - previously cobbled together evidence, snippets of interviews, gut feelings had informed it. Whether or not William's Last Words is written from his point of view or not, the sentiment, like that of 4st7lbs, is quite clear. The more you read those words the more you find you simply can't deny that suicide was most likely on his mind. There's also the pain which I saw so clearly on Nicky's face when he had to sing William's Last Words at the last gig on the tour in Brighton. Richey loved him, I am sure of that. So how can you be alive, out there somewhere, with the power to end the pain your friends and family so publicly express, and not act?
In some ways, I'd rather believe he was dead and therefore not cruelly, passively sitting back and watching those he loved suffer because they simply don't know whether to mourn him or search for him.
Although it has to be said, even typing "he was dead" makes my heart sink a little. It feels like a loss I can't properly quantify because I never got to have him. I don't want it to be true, because I want a chance to have the band I am forever missing. And I adore that bloody band, I want them to have the person back they are always missing. Always falling over that gap to the right of the stage. I want Nicky to smile like he does in some of those old interviews.
