33/52 - Rage

[askygoneonfire]

This week my twelve letter prompt of housewarming brings me to 'r'. After a frustrating week I am going with 'rage'.

Growing up, the consensus in my house was that I had a ferocious temper. I don't remember ever screaming at anyone outside of my immediate family, it was never uncontrolled, but it was fast, and hot.

I don't let my anger loose at people now. Sometimes it starts to bleed out and I walk away from a situation. But people do often mistake my incandescent rage at myself for something directed to them. And I find that difficult to fix or even see happening. 

This week I struggled to move forward on what is objectively a very simple writing task at work. Teddy offered to prod me about it on Friday as I tried to salvage my week's work in a single day, and that was incredibly helpful to just have someone external check in a few times in the day. But it didn't change the hideous spiral into fury with myself at my inadequacy.

I apologised to Teddy at the end of the day for being furious, fortunately they understood who it was directed at. Not many people do recognise that. Fewer still are willing to remain in range of the explosive blast of self-directed rage the next time round.

It doesn't matter that I got, more or less, there in the end. I haven't learnt a lesson - it's not as though I've proved anything to myself. I will go through this all again on Monday when I return to it. 

I need to learn how to not go to white hot rage. But I think achieving that might involve a fundamental shift in how I regard myself - and that's a mess of stuff I don't want/can't/wouldn't know how to begin unpicking.

I don't like my rage. Which is a perfect bloody spiral because hating myself for doing something wrong leads to rage, and rage leads to hating myself for being so explosive...It's a really deplorable part of my character.

Comments

[meepettemu]

It seems easy enough to delineate to me. There was nothing in there that felt ‘at me’. But then I have a similar thing- my anger isn’t as loud as yours but quite often if I get worked up about something people assume that because I’m talking to them about it it’s become about them. It doesn’t help when it’s often angry at a situation that might involve them and I’m still not angry about them.

I find it hard in some ways when you do it because I’m aware I lose the connection and the sense of - being- I don’t know- who I am? To you. Like nothing else matters for you in that time. I can hold that, it’s not an issue. Sorry not needed. Reconnection welcomed. Happy to be there again because I still know it’s not about me, and we haven’t had it happen (yet) but I trust that even if it was about me we would eventually be able to talk about it.

[askygoneonfire]

I keep thinking about this - and re-reading your reply because it's useful. But also wondering what "reconnection" looks like. Because I'm not sure I know what works for you to feel like I come back, and I'm conscious I have a lingering distance after the hot anger subsides which I don't always know how to shake off.