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askygoneonfire I didn't win the scholarship. So my offer letter for Hull to study for my PhD there is not worth the paper it's written on. My PhD on the establishment of the queer family and the stress it places on heteronormative society will not be written.
After feeling numb for an hour or two, I cried. Then I felt numb again. Numb and sad. So sad, in fact, that everyone at work was concerned I was too stressed. I took today off, called in sick, and evidently it all kicked off - two of my colleagues went, separately, to our boss to tell her I was over worked and had a workload which was unreasonable for one person. In fairness, I am doing my job and the job of another person who is on long term sick and that is stressful, but it is good stress - the sort you can manage, and the sort I leave at the door when I go home. I am absolutely mortified that people said that to the boss, who then went to see my Mum, who also works there, to ask how I was. My Mum said that more than anything she wanted to explain that I was off because I was so sad about missing out on the PhD scholarship - but of course neither she nor I can tell my boss that I am super sad because I won't be quitting in September - or that I was ever considering doing that.
I really, truly do not know what to do with myself now. I know I need to move out of my parents - where is the big question. I desperately want to go back to Brighton but I'm not doing that without a guaranteed job down there paying at least £17k. So do I move out for the short term here and keep looking for Brighton, burning a hole in the small amount I have saved up since living with my parents, or do I stay put and hope that I can save even more for the costly return to Brighton in the near future?
I've had a look and I can't find shit in Brighton job wise. Also, this feels a lot like the decisive end to PhD dreams. It's too long and too much of a long shot every time for funding. I can't risk paying for my first year and hoping to get funding for years 2 and 3 because there is just no guarantee I will get it and then I will be worse off than if I hadn't done a year at all.
I feel like there is just a big gaping void for me stretching out from August. I simply do not know what to do.
Giving up and drinking myself to death feels like a cracking idea though...
After feeling numb for an hour or two, I cried. Then I felt numb again. Numb and sad. So sad, in fact, that everyone at work was concerned I was too stressed. I took today off, called in sick, and evidently it all kicked off - two of my colleagues went, separately, to our boss to tell her I was over worked and had a workload which was unreasonable for one person. In fairness, I am doing my job and the job of another person who is on long term sick and that is stressful, but it is good stress - the sort you can manage, and the sort I leave at the door when I go home. I am absolutely mortified that people said that to the boss, who then went to see my Mum, who also works there, to ask how I was. My Mum said that more than anything she wanted to explain that I was off because I was so sad about missing out on the PhD scholarship - but of course neither she nor I can tell my boss that I am super sad because I won't be quitting in September - or that I was ever considering doing that.
I really, truly do not know what to do with myself now. I know I need to move out of my parents - where is the big question. I desperately want to go back to Brighton but I'm not doing that without a guaranteed job down there paying at least £17k. So do I move out for the short term here and keep looking for Brighton, burning a hole in the small amount I have saved up since living with my parents, or do I stay put and hope that I can save even more for the costly return to Brighton in the near future?
I've had a look and I can't find shit in Brighton job wise. Also, this feels a lot like the decisive end to PhD dreams. It's too long and too much of a long shot every time for funding. I can't risk paying for my first year and hoping to get funding for years 2 and 3 because there is just no guarantee I will get it and then I will be worse off than if I hadn't done a year at all.
I feel like there is just a big gaping void for me stretching out from August. I simply do not know what to do.
Giving up and drinking myself to death feels like a cracking idea though...
