A Year On

 Of all the possibilities, a year ago, I could not, would not, have ever imagined we'd be so firmly still in it. My post from a year ago tomorrow is anxious and rightly identifies all the things that will be hardest. They still are the things that are hardest: no swimming, no real social contact. Everything is hard.

I'm quite depressed at the minute. Have been for a few months. I think the long slog has worn away at what reserves I have.  I'm also in loads of pain again, it might be psychosomatic, it might be B12/folate deficiency again. My muscles ache, my joints are swollen, my skin is dry, I seem to have mild folliculitis again, struggling to sleep which are all things I had last time, but are also just a random selection of things which all have other explanations too.

Stress is intensified by being less than a week away from completing on a house purchase and just trying to hold in my head all the things that I need to do for that - purchasing kitchen appliances, finding some carpet I like and buying it, decorating (or not), packing my flat up, moving, unpacking, sorting bills, final clean for flat I'm moving out of, probably arguing to get my full deposit back....it's a lot.

I feel very, very alone. I am struggling to connect with people when I have the opportunity: went for a walk with my neighbour yesterday but couldn't bring myself to talk to him, it all felt so alien. It's been too long. Everything has been too long. 

The new forest walk yesterday was appropriately bleak. None of the ponies I saw would talk to me