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27/52 - Things Between the Chaos
Jul. 5th, 2020 04:19 pmI've had a week.. Not overall good or bad, just many things.
Started just feeling really bone deep exhausted - by lockdown in some ways, and fear of the future and impending workload - and unable to move forward on the very reasonable to do list I had for Monday/Tuesday. Wednesday-Friday truly made this the week of hell with an enormous project of work which gives me chills to even think of doing step 2 with on Monday. It is very likely going to result in me getting to the point of being utterly overwhelmed again - as I was on Friday - and raging at myself and the world.
The flip side of this week of horror has been in/from interpersonal relationships and achieving new physical stuff. Found new friends in the colleagues I was working on hell project with Wed-Fri and spent time on Teams sharing gifs and laughing and smoking together on video chat. I managed a 6k run on Friday which is the first time I've checked my distance after a run. I had a lovely evening watching another shit film - this month: Batman & Robin - with Brighton friends on Friday night and then Zoom chatting with them until 1am. Spent a good long chunk of time chatting with Teddy last night which was just lovely. And then woke up and text them and it just feels good.
I blogged over on the other place about my overall wellbeing at the moment, and how contrary this feels in such objectively terrible times. Life is the things between the chaos isn't it? The bits where you fail quite completely to engage with the bigger picture and just have your little world - for better or worse.
Things are really fucking nice with Teddy. I have had this nagging worry which basically boils down to "is there space for me?" and I managed to articulate it last night and it's not like it's fixed for being out loud, and I'm still invisible in a place that makes me...have discomfort? But it's good for being there. And for them knowing that worry exists, and for them making clear they care that I feel that way? It's difficult asking for something you are not sure you can ask for. I find it difficult admitting I need things that can only come from outside of me. But this is the nature of relationships - allowing the vulnerability, admitting to having needs. These are things I wobble on.
The wobbles are the things between the rest of it though. And there's a lot of good there. If you'd told me this time last year I'd be really fucking delightedly and enthusiastically embarking on a 200mile-away/long-distance relationship I would have laughed you out of the place. But it feels like exactly the right decision. I'm trying not to spend my months counting down the weeks to seeing them, but it's hard not to. There are worse problems to have.
Started just feeling really bone deep exhausted - by lockdown in some ways, and fear of the future and impending workload - and unable to move forward on the very reasonable to do list I had for Monday/Tuesday. Wednesday-Friday truly made this the week of hell with an enormous project of work which gives me chills to even think of doing step 2 with on Monday. It is very likely going to result in me getting to the point of being utterly overwhelmed again - as I was on Friday - and raging at myself and the world.
The flip side of this week of horror has been in/from interpersonal relationships and achieving new physical stuff. Found new friends in the colleagues I was working on hell project with Wed-Fri and spent time on Teams sharing gifs and laughing and smoking together on video chat. I managed a 6k run on Friday which is the first time I've checked my distance after a run. I had a lovely evening watching another shit film - this month: Batman & Robin - with Brighton friends on Friday night and then Zoom chatting with them until 1am. Spent a good long chunk of time chatting with Teddy last night which was just lovely. And then woke up and text them and it just feels good.
I blogged over on the other place about my overall wellbeing at the moment, and how contrary this feels in such objectively terrible times. Life is the things between the chaos isn't it? The bits where you fail quite completely to engage with the bigger picture and just have your little world - for better or worse.
Things are really fucking nice with Teddy. I have had this nagging worry which basically boils down to "is there space for me?" and I managed to articulate it last night and it's not like it's fixed for being out loud, and I'm still invisible in a place that makes me...have discomfort? But it's good for being there. And for them knowing that worry exists, and for them making clear they care that I feel that way? It's difficult asking for something you are not sure you can ask for. I find it difficult admitting I need things that can only come from outside of me. But this is the nature of relationships - allowing the vulnerability, admitting to having needs. These are things I wobble on.
The wobbles are the things between the rest of it though. And there's a lot of good there. If you'd told me this time last year I'd be really fucking delightedly and enthusiastically embarking on a 200mile-away/long-distance relationship I would have laughed you out of the place. But it feels like exactly the right decision. I'm trying not to spend my months counting down the weeks to seeing them, but it's hard not to. There are worse problems to have.