a sky gone on fire (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
askygoneonfire) wrote2011-01-30 09:30 pm
askygoneonfire) wrote2011-01-30 09:30 pm
Entry tags:
30 days of...day 16
I still have questions/photo requests to answer for day 15 but I'll come back to it as it's causing me a block when 30 days is supposed to relieve the same....
Share a song that represents your mood.
Inevitably, this is a Manics song. Today's choice is Love Torn Us Under.
Heaven's weariness, I'm climbing the walls
Asleep I daydreamed I could change it all
Running from something too painful to face
Epitaphs torn into bare foot soiled feet
Ecstasy's columns decay into night
Underneath hope she let sanity die
Wasting my time on the shackles of her love
At night complete love's torn us under
Love is dragging me under
Betray my other self
The lost hours are over
Gentleness left me, a cataract's past life
Searching for something I'm unable to find
To weak to render a sorrow's daily grind
I find so much grief in her chastened eyes
Memory cannot choose where it wants to be
Love this sex self pity as mangled sheets
The tenderness that climbs in the mind
At night complete love's torn us under
Love is dragging me under
Betray my other self
The lost hours are over
I've just had a week or so of not really sleeping, leaping out of bed full of beans in the morning, talking 10 to the dozen all day at work and generally bombing about. Yesterday I felt a change creeping in; I'd been woken by nightmares all night, physically I was aching and exhausted. Suddenly imbued with fear of loud noises and anxiety that makes you crawl into a ball; 'there's nothing nice in my head/the adult world took it all away'.
Last night the nightmares returned once more and I awoke with the absolute knowledge spending any time with people would ruin me; unfortunately I'm still living with my parents so whilst 'not seeing people' just meant staying in the flat with my phone turned off in Brighton, it now means staying in my bedroom and fending off shouted-through-the-door questions ("do want a tea?" "your washing is dry, are you going to fetch it in?" "do you want some of the pudding I made?") as politely and monosyllabically as is humanly possible to avoid raising any concerns which would lead to more interaction. How I long for a place of my own.
This week, I can tell you now, is going to be hell.
Have been trying to write more about how I feel and what I hope in terms of getting through it today/this week - and in the future - but after more than an hour of writing and deleting, I have to admit defeat. Thinking is - as I said on twitter earlier - like wading through treacle at the minute.
I need a job where I work on flexi-time so I can actually manage this stuff without being completely useless at work half the fucking time.
I just want to say 'help me!' but who that would be directed to, and what they would do about it is beyond me. Moreover, in a week or so, this will be over and I'll be back to 'normal'. Although how you define normal when normal usually means common and not one of my three states exists longer than another, I don't know.
Share a song that represents your mood.
Inevitably, this is a Manics song. Today's choice is Love Torn Us Under.
Heaven's weariness, I'm climbing the walls
Asleep I daydreamed I could change it all
Running from something too painful to face
Epitaphs torn into bare foot soiled feet
Ecstasy's columns decay into night
Underneath hope she let sanity die
Wasting my time on the shackles of her love
At night complete love's torn us under
Love is dragging me under
Betray my other self
The lost hours are over
Gentleness left me, a cataract's past life
Searching for something I'm unable to find
To weak to render a sorrow's daily grind
I find so much grief in her chastened eyes
Memory cannot choose where it wants to be
Love this sex self pity as mangled sheets
The tenderness that climbs in the mind
At night complete love's torn us under
Love is dragging me under
Betray my other self
The lost hours are over
I've just had a week or so of not really sleeping, leaping out of bed full of beans in the morning, talking 10 to the dozen all day at work and generally bombing about. Yesterday I felt a change creeping in; I'd been woken by nightmares all night, physically I was aching and exhausted. Suddenly imbued with fear of loud noises and anxiety that makes you crawl into a ball; 'there's nothing nice in my head/the adult world took it all away'.
Last night the nightmares returned once more and I awoke with the absolute knowledge spending any time with people would ruin me; unfortunately I'm still living with my parents so whilst 'not seeing people' just meant staying in the flat with my phone turned off in Brighton, it now means staying in my bedroom and fending off shouted-through-the-door questions ("do want a tea?" "your washing is dry, are you going to fetch it in?" "do you want some of the pudding I made?") as politely and monosyllabically as is humanly possible to avoid raising any concerns which would lead to more interaction. How I long for a place of my own.
This week, I can tell you now, is going to be hell.
Have been trying to write more about how I feel and what I hope in terms of getting through it today/this week - and in the future - but after more than an hour of writing and deleting, I have to admit defeat. Thinking is - as I said on twitter earlier - like wading through treacle at the minute.
I need a job where I work on flexi-time so I can actually manage this stuff without being completely useless at work half the fucking time.
I just want to say 'help me!' but who that would be directed to, and what they would do about it is beyond me. Moreover, in a week or so, this will be over and I'll be back to 'normal'. Although how you define normal when normal usually means common and not one of my three states exists longer than another, I don't know.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2011-02-04 05:15 am (UTC)(link)Song that represents my cyclothymic mood today? 'Let's not shit ourselves (to love and be loved)', Bright Eyes. Was thinking about this last night- lyrically it's damn near perfect and just an awesome, cacophonous, frenzied, rollicking song. They master the highs and lows pretty bloody well, these guys (I'm wondering if Conor Oberst is either cyclothymic or bipolar), and my mood rises and plummets in quick succession lately so it fits like a glove. Have been stuck on this song- alternating between wanting to take off in flight or climb out of my skin- for a few days now. Before that it was Violent Femmes with 'Add it up'. Have yet to listen to the Manics, but I have a feeling I'm going to now.
I hope you're hanging in there. I can sympathise with wanting flexi-time at work--any way possible?
And I hear you when you say 'help me'. I've been saying it a lot myself, sometimes it's good to hear an echo.