a sky gone on fire (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
askygoneonfire) wrote2018-09-18 02:24 pm
askygoneonfire) wrote2018-09-18 02:24 pm
On being a first generation scholar
I'm the only person in any part of my family to ever go to University.
Ever.
It's suprisingly isolating. And, as I get more and more embedded in academia, the sense of isolation only increases. Nobody in my family has any clue what it is I do, and only a couple of people have an inkling why I do it.
My nephew turns 21 today and in a genuinely surprising turn, has decided to go to university. He got in to a university which I didn't have the grades for as an undergrad (to my chagrin!) but he got in, effectively, on a much lower offer because he's a "mature" student and has an NVQ (in "performance and excellence" - no comment) which is fairly arbirtrarily weighted to 3 or 4 A Levels.
He's a bright lad, always has been. But he's also completely unwilling to distinguish himself and deliberately buried his ability at school and habitually refuses to ask for help because he seems to view it as a sign of weakness. Add to that the fact his classmates are largely going to be beginning this year having been drilled through A Levels in Law, Sociology, English and similar, and he's going to be a huge disadvantage. He doesn't know how to write essays or handle reading independently. There will be support for him - but will he actually access it? I don't know.
I'm hovering between sending him reams of instructions and directions in how to actually navigate university, and trying to remember he needs to find his own way, and I don't know what is in his heart in terms of commitment, change from how he was when he was younger, and determination.
It's particularly hard that he has never consulted me or asked for any help or advice in applying, selecting, etc, to university. His mother and my brother seperated when he was 2 and I'm not a big part of his life, but I am here. At Christmas I said he could message me anytime if he needed any help and he said "what is it you actually do?" and I was like ".....I'm a lecturer in Sociology. The same discipline area you are going into".
Does he think I have nothing to offer or is this another example of his total unwillingness to actually call on people to help?
I'd love for him to succeed at university. I have this fantasy of us becoming closer as he goes through university and actually having a relationship.
I just want to feel some sort of connection to my family.
Being the only person to go to university, or show any sort of interest in it, makes me feel weird. Like I'm actually a changeling. And it makes me feel - wrongly, perhaps - that nobody in the family values what I do. Everyone respects hard work in my family, but I think there's a suspicion that academia is secretly a holiday. And then my Dad, for instance, seems to respond to that by continually emphasising how hard I work which in turn just makes me feel guilty for not working that hard.
Academia is intellectually and emotionally hard work. But compared to my various low grade jobs - shop work, childcare, cleaning - it is much less physically challenging. And physical hard work is really easy to understand. I can't and wouldn't suggest my fortnight of sitting in front of a computer with writers block, drinking cups of tea, is anywhere near comparable to the various labouring jobs most of my family do.
I think this could all be summed up as "I have a working-class chip on my shoulder and it's getting heavier with each passing year"
Ever.
It's suprisingly isolating. And, as I get more and more embedded in academia, the sense of isolation only increases. Nobody in my family has any clue what it is I do, and only a couple of people have an inkling why I do it.
My nephew turns 21 today and in a genuinely surprising turn, has decided to go to university. He got in to a university which I didn't have the grades for as an undergrad (to my chagrin!) but he got in, effectively, on a much lower offer because he's a "mature" student and has an NVQ (in "performance and excellence" - no comment) which is fairly arbirtrarily weighted to 3 or 4 A Levels.
He's a bright lad, always has been. But he's also completely unwilling to distinguish himself and deliberately buried his ability at school and habitually refuses to ask for help because he seems to view it as a sign of weakness. Add to that the fact his classmates are largely going to be beginning this year having been drilled through A Levels in Law, Sociology, English and similar, and he's going to be a huge disadvantage. He doesn't know how to write essays or handle reading independently. There will be support for him - but will he actually access it? I don't know.
I'm hovering between sending him reams of instructions and directions in how to actually navigate university, and trying to remember he needs to find his own way, and I don't know what is in his heart in terms of commitment, change from how he was when he was younger, and determination.
It's particularly hard that he has never consulted me or asked for any help or advice in applying, selecting, etc, to university. His mother and my brother seperated when he was 2 and I'm not a big part of his life, but I am here. At Christmas I said he could message me anytime if he needed any help and he said "what is it you actually do?" and I was like ".....I'm a lecturer in Sociology. The same discipline area you are going into".
Does he think I have nothing to offer or is this another example of his total unwillingness to actually call on people to help?
I'd love for him to succeed at university. I have this fantasy of us becoming closer as he goes through university and actually having a relationship.
I just want to feel some sort of connection to my family.
Being the only person to go to university, or show any sort of interest in it, makes me feel weird. Like I'm actually a changeling. And it makes me feel - wrongly, perhaps - that nobody in the family values what I do. Everyone respects hard work in my family, but I think there's a suspicion that academia is secretly a holiday. And then my Dad, for instance, seems to respond to that by continually emphasising how hard I work which in turn just makes me feel guilty for not working that hard.
Academia is intellectually and emotionally hard work. But compared to my various low grade jobs - shop work, childcare, cleaning - it is much less physically challenging. And physical hard work is really easy to understand. I can't and wouldn't suggest my fortnight of sitting in front of a computer with writers block, drinking cups of tea, is anywhere near comparable to the various labouring jobs most of my family do.
I think this could all be summed up as "I have a working-class chip on my shoulder and it's getting heavier with each passing year"