askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
Share five things you can't do anymore.

1. Eat more than 1 bag of sweets, or all of one large bag of sweets.  
Every now and again I forgot I'm 26 and no longer have the constitution of a 10 year old; attempting to eat in the same way I once did tends to make me feel very sick, and very grumpy.  Most recently I tried to eat a whole pack of 'Xtremely Sour Apple Chewits' and had to stop after two.  It's kind of sad.

2. Watch Disney cartoons.
Until relatively recently I still enjoyed the 'magic' of the odd Disney movie; providing I was in the right mood.  I downloaded a couple of classics (Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid) not so long ago and not only was I completely uninspired, I was bored stupid. Not to mention feeling a little angry my childhood included such dross.  I've been aware of the feminist failings of Disney for many years, of course, but not the absolute absence of any content in the movies.  I remember them as being...pretty.  They just seem ugly now.

3. Engage in internet 'debate'
I used to enjoy making my point, then making the same point again with slightly different wording, then again....and getting nowhere but not actually getting angry about it.  It was like flexing my debate muscles without any fear of failure.  Now I feel a rush of fury and frustration when something I say, on twitter perhaps, invites a stranger to start up an argument - usually all in capital letters - with me.  I have a two reply limit and then I leave it and feel a little soured toward the internet for it.  I think I'm getting old.

4. Choose to go without the internet for a day
I can *do* it, if there isn't an alternative, or an option to get online, or it's a challenge, or it's a requirement, I can absolutely go without.  I just can't make myself say "today, I will not use the internet".  When I was younger it was tv that I had exactly the same things to say about it, now I can take or leave the tv, but not the interwebs.  Sad, very sad, but true.

5. Spend an entire night just drinking lager.
Even if I could power through the vomiting after pint 3, I would DIE. That's really all there is to say about it.
askygoneonfire: scribbled 'fuck you richey' over the concentric circles of hell (fuck you richey)
I still have questions/photo requests to answer for day 15 but I'll come back to it as it's causing me a block when 30 days is supposed to relieve the same....

Share a song that represents your mood.

Inevitably, this is a Manics song. Today's choice is Love Torn Us Under.

Lyrics below cut )


I've just had a week or so of not really sleeping, leaping out of bed full of beans in the morning, talking 10 to the dozen all day at work and generally bombing about.  Yesterday I felt a change creeping in; I'd been woken by nightmares all night, physically I was aching and exhausted. Suddenly imbued with fear of loud noises and anxiety that makes you crawl into a ball; 'there's nothing nice in my head/the adult world took it all away'.

Last night the nightmares returned once more and I awoke with the absolute knowledge spending any time with people would ruin me; unfortunately I'm still living with my parents so whilst 'not seeing people' just meant staying in the flat with my phone turned off in Brighton, it now means staying in my bedroom and fending off shouted-through-the-door questions ("do want a tea?" "your washing is dry, are you going to fetch it in?" "do you want some of the pudding I made?") as politely and monosyllabically as is humanly possible to avoid raising any concerns which would lead to more interaction.  How I long for a place of my own.

This week, I can tell you now, is going to be hell.

Have been trying to write more about how I feel and what I hope in terms of getting through it today/this week - and in the future - but after more than an hour of writing and deleting, I have to admit defeat.  Thinking is - as I said on twitter earlier - like wading through treacle at the minute. 

I need a job where I work on flexi-time so I can actually manage this stuff without being completely useless at work half the fucking time.

I just want to say 'help me!' but who that would be directed to, and what they would do about it is beyond me.  Moreover, in a week or so, this will be over and I'll be back to 'normal'.  Although how you define normal when normal usually means common and not one of my three states exists longer than another, I don't know.

askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
Name 3 hugely popular movies that you've never seen.
1. The Godfather Trilogy - I really want to watch it but I hesitate on two counts; what if I don't like it? and; it requires effort and a three-movie-commitment. I'm just not sure I have it in me.
2. Star Wars Triology (i.e. the originals) - I borrowed them from a friend years ago, got to the bit where R2D2 and C3PO are driving/walking across the desert and, bored to tears, I turned it off. I'm a Star Trek girl and always will be.
3. Alien Trashy sci-fi is normally my bag but somehow I've just...missed it.

What kind of car do you drive?
A 1998 Ford Fiesta Zetec Ghia.  It's old and getting to be a bit quirky but it's comfortable, reliable and bloody fast for it's size and age.  It does me just fine.  I've had it since 2006 when I finished University for the first time.  My parents generously bought it for me so I could get to work in a nearby town and it has lived here in the East Midlands ever since where my Mum has taken custodianship for it whilst I was living in different parts of the country.  Before I moved back we were discussing selling it as it's age is against it as was the fact I wasn't driving it, now I'm back it cheerfully darts me about the countryside and ensures that when life is getting me down I can always go downtown.

I fantasise about buying a new Fiesta (a zetec again, naturally), I also fantasise about buying an Audi R8 (drove behind one again tonight, recognised it's arse from miles back, in the dark) but that's no more likely to happen than the new Fiesta.

The end.
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
List five things you would save if your home caught fire.

1. The rats, obviously.
2. My external hard drive.  It contains both my dissertations and all my photos from 2003 onwards.  I should probably back it up actually...
3. My iPod.  A damn sight easier than saving my entire shelf of CDs and representing 10 years or more of music collection.
4. Manics cds.  I know what I said above, but as I said in a previous entry, they are more than the physical cd. 
5. The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism.  This book is the bible (even down to the wafer thin paper) of university study.  It's more highlighter and biro now than it is printed word and the dust jacket was lost long ago, but I wouldn't go near an academic course without it.  It's glorious.




In other news, I seem to be experience some sort of crazy (har har) hypo-manic mixed episode which has only happened to me a couple of times before and is as much fun as you would expect.  Fuck off brain.
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
Share your father's advice.

You can't always call a spade a spade.

I used to get mighty pissed off at school when I would tell my female friends they were being...well, teenage girls.  I've always been quite straightforward and never particularly interested in gossiping about boys/hair/make-up/other friends, I had a tendency to try and resolve situations by being unrelentingly logical and practical - it rarely went down well.

This also applied to people who said stupid stuff, I tend to like to tell them it's stupid.  Not for being malicious just for...stating what the situation is.

Over the years biting my lip has become a hard acquired skill.  I think it's worth it, on the whole; fewer arguments.  More frustration perhaps, in the short term at least. 


Went to look at a new build house today, it was available on shared ownership so I would only have had to have a mortgage for 25% of the value (25% = £27,500) and pay rent on the rest - £191 a month - which I could afford on top of mortgage repayments.  I found it on a property site a week ago.  Mentally, I'd already moved in. I so want to unpack the boxes which currently rest in the attic.  I want to do my food shopping (I pay my parents board on top of rent, they shop early on Saturday morning, I eat the food that turns up in the cupboards), plan a weeks meals and live at the pace I choose - rather than existing next to the unrelenting routine of my parents.  I want to own a house. I want to paint the walls in the holidays from work.  I want to buy bits and pieces from Ikea to furnish it.  I want to adopt two cats (April and Socks from Lincoln Cat Care) and I want to live my life as I wish - that's not here.

Unfortunately, the 4 available shared ownership houses, I was told upon arrival, have already gone, and I can submit an application and be on the waiting list but it was implied that I wouldn't be the top of the waiting list - it'd take a lot of people's applications to fall through before I'd get one.  I still looked around - it was everything I hoped it would be from the photos I'd seen online - completely perfect.  I can see myself living there.  Which is fatal, really.

A week's reprise from how I felt when I wrote this entry, but I feel myself plummeting back there.  I have already looked at other shared ownership properties and not only is 25% a rarity, they are also almost universally flats and without the spacious rooms that this house had.



Friend S, with the brain injury from the car crash, is still recovering.  Spoke to him on the phone for an hour or so tonight and he tried to tell me two separate things he told me last time I saw him - something he never used to do, he's always had an excellent memory.  He also wrote a reply to my facebook status which, whilst I understood and saw the joke he was trying to make, was in no way expressed with his usual verbal dexterity and flair.  Keep encouraging him to be patient as he's very frustrated by getting tired doing normal day-to-day things and everyone telling him to go slowly.  But I'm actually getting impatient for him to be back to normal.  Terrified he will have lost some of his easy intellect and confidence of expression.
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
If your favourite smell could be described as a color, which colour would it be?

That really crisp white colour that has more blue in it than any of the other colours in the spectrum.

My favourite smell is the smell of laundry drying outdoors on a crisp spring day when the smell of dew is in the air and the sun is gradually burning it off - not in the fast and humid way it does in the summer when the sun gets hot early - with a gentle breeze just strong enough to move the laundry and release the scent.


Today my friend S, who was in the crash a week ago, was finally released from a hospital. He was home by 1pm and I went round to visit at 3:30ish. He's a lot sharper than he was but still a long way off being normal. He also views the last week with a bit of a haze and many big gaps. He has absolutely no memory of me and our other friends visiting him on Thursday - despite the fact he was talking to us reasonably coherently.  He apparently had some crazy delusions when he was in hospital; insisting he had to install an outside tap (he's a plumber) in the hospital ward at 2am one night, for example and, even more humorously, claiming to be the Duke of Cornwall - presumably not married to Camilla, but who knows?!

He tells me he feels as though one of his legs feels much heavier than the other when he walks and he is very much shuffling about when walking.   I suggested perhaps his leg has always been heavier than the other and he's only noticing it now.  I think focussing too much on what isn't normal yet is only going to frustrate him more so I keep trying to make light of such things.

As I left he thanked me for visiting and I thanked him for not dying; which caused his girlfriend to choke on her tea and start crying with laughter so that was good!

askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
Write about a ridiculous hoax that you once thought was true.

I actually stalled on continuing with the meme because I couldn't think of an answer to this.  I'm quite sceptical of EVERYTHING and more often disbelieve true things than believe unlikely things.  However, just the other night it came to me....

When I was 13 we went on a school residential outdoor activity trip to Wales. We kept seeing signs and road markings that looked like this;


We asked the Welsh activity instructor, and our school teacher what it meant.  They told us all about the very rare Welsh wild animal, the 'Araf'.  Apparently it was part of the Giraffe family but was about the size of a goat and whilst it had the same markings of the typical African giraffe, it was shade of brown.  We were all told to keep a look out for these rare, beautiful animals in the bushes by the side of the road.

Somehow, it was a long time before it actually dawned on me that Welsh road signs are all written in both Welsh and English - and 'araf' is, predictably enough, the Welsh word for slow.  Apparently there are no mini giraffes in the Welsh countryside, I'm gutted.

For along time being that gullible made me want to claw my face off, now I can't breathe for laughing.

And that is the story of how I became a sceptic.

askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
Day 7 - What are you doing this week?

Surprising how long I had to think about this before I was able to start typing.  Surprising and shocking.

Sunday began when Saturday ended and I saw in the morning hours in the icy conditions on Brighton's side streets, weaving my way 'home' with Becky, B's boyfriend and another friend of ours.  The taxi driver refused to drive us to the door so we had to walk up the hill, in the middle of the road - the ony gritted part of the street - and to keep spirits high and the cold out (and yes, I suppose it might have a little to do with the amount of cocktails we'd drunk) we sang Christmas carols as we walked.  Falling into bed (aka the sofa) around 2am I slept contentedly until 11 when we all awoke, ate breakfast, read the Sunday paper and drank lots of tea.

My afternoon was spent navigating snow bound public transport and fighting to get North.  At least I wasn't trying to get East - the queue from cancelled Eurostar services was already three times round the inside of St Pancras station and onto the street, it is little wonder the queue now stretches more than a mile.

Monday was back to work, which is about as exciting as it sounds.  Today was the last day of term at the school I work in, which means it's also the last day I work before Christmas.  There was nothing to do but the tedium was relieved by the Year 10 and 11 heads of year arranging a karaoke so the other admin workers and I stood up in front of the 180 of them and sang Queen's Don't Stop Me Now, which was jolly enough.  Tonight has been spent stockpiling as we're expecting to be snowed in again tomorrow and want to have food for Christmas.  Oh the perils of rural life.

Tomorrow and Thursday will be spent sewing, surfing t'internet and watching movies on tv.  Simple but pleasurable.  

Friday - Christmas Eve - is the day I am most looking forward to as I will be going to the village pub and meeting up, as has become the tradition, with many many other people who I went to school/Brownies/play group/the pub with during the years we all spent growing up here.  We all catch up, bitch about Christmas with our families and get roaring drunk - next to an open fire.  It's glorious.  Last year we stumbled home in fresh falling snow; perhaps that magical early morning will be repeated this year - I hope so.

Saturday is, obviously enough, Christmas day proper and weather permitting we will be joined by two of my brothers and one girlfriend for our traditional home spun Christmas; fry up breakfast for those who can stomach it, opening presents, champagne, more food, tv, Christmas dinner, more tv, more drinks, more food, more tv.

The END.
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
List 5 things you hate that everyone else in the world seems to love

1. Coffee; love the smell.  Hate the taste.  And I so *want* to like it; there are so many fabulously exciting variations out there and so frequently I stand in a coffee shop and gaze in awe at the array of coffees and flavours for the same on offer.  But coffee does now and always has, made me pull a face and quietly put the cup down and push it away.  I simply do not like it.

2. Soaps;  Eastenders, Corrie, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks; just no.  I cannot bear the melodrama.  I think they are particularly awful in how they suck you in; 'but I can't miss [insert soap name here] I need to know what happens to [insert character name here]!!!' without ever giving any real narrative resolution, the characters are merely left lurching from one crisis to the next.  I appreciate that that is why soaps are considered to be 'like life' but frankly, life is enough like life for me without sitting through 3 hours or more of the same on tv.

3. Roast dinners; as a lacto-ovo vegetarian the core of the roast dinner is obviously off the menu, but of course vege alternatives are available.  However, even when I did eat meat I didn't like roast dinners.  I think roast potatoes are an abomination (perfectly tasty inside, why inflict that awful skin on them?) and there are no vegetables typically associated with roast dinners that I actually like when they are cooked; peas, carrots, cabbage, broad beans, runner beans? All better raw.  Flash boiling of cauliflower and broccoli is also the only way I'll eat it, rather than the traditional 'boiled for 4 hours' approach of the a-typical Sunday roast.  As for parsnips? Better left where they grow.  Don't even get me started on the horror that is gravy.

I'll take a curry over a roast any day of the week; particularly Sunday.

4. Horror movies; I watch and have watched them, naturally.  But aside from the ones which have an aspect of psychological intrigue and depth I simply do not see their appeal or why people feel able to qualify themselves as 'horror fan(s)'.  Gory slasher movies with no sense of irony or self awareness are simply dull dull dull to me.  Beyond the 'yuck' factor of some of these movies I remain unmoved; unless I laugh - which I did with Silence of the Lambs, much to the chagrin of my friend who adored that film and proudly sat me down to watch this 'brilliant' film.  

By the by, I have no objection whatsoever to horror scenes within the context of a movie of a different genre; sci-fi, drama, action, thriller - all fine, I just need the extra facet to have any inclination to sit through such scenes.

5. Putting photos of myself in black and white on facebook; seriously, we all know you either set your camera to black and white before taking them all, or edited them after taking and before uploading.  I hate that 'oh ho ho don't I look FABULOUS? What, it's in black and white? I didn't even notice! I look like this all the time though, not just in black in white!'

We all know you come in glorious technicolor and we all know why those photos are in black and white.  Take pictures on a night out by all means, but don't spend 2 hours snapping/reviewing/deleting to get 'spontaneous' photos in black and white.  Goddamnit.




And a reminder; help me out for another day;

>Tell me something, anything (within decent reason) you would like to see and I'll take a photo. The inside of my wardrobe, a street sign that contains the letter "q", a red haired man...whatever. Send me on a scavenger hunt.

>Ask me a question, any question, and I'll answer. Want to know what kind of toothpaste I use? I'll tell you. Want to know what the inside my glove box looks like? I'll show you. If you'd rather send the question via private message than on a comment below, knock yourself out.
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
Write about a common misconception people have

"Cyclothymia is a mild mood disorder."

At least that's a common misconception amongst the few people who have ever heard of the condition. Pretty much every site google takes you to when you search 'cyclothymia' starts with "cyclothymia is a mild form of..." which, all in all, implies cyclothymia just isn't a big deal. It is.

Cyclothymia turns your life upside down and is more than capable of ruining every relationship you've ever had. You meet people whilst you're manic and the most engaging person they've ever met then, a day or a week later, you meet again and you can't raise your eyes from the ground long enough to talk to them and IT FUCKING BLOWS. And living with someone who wakes up one morning and can't stop crying, with no warning whatsoever? Who would want to be around that?  Cyclothymia pushes potential partners, and established partners, away.

I found a great article which really sums up this shit state of affairs with more information on what the condition actually entails;
Cyclothymia: This so-called mild form of bipolar is no laughing matter.

The reason I think this is such a problematic misconception is that when people hear the word 'cyclothymia' they do what I did; they google it and the misconception spreads. Suddenly dis-empowered people - mental health patients - get another kick in the metaphorical nads when their friends, family and in some cases, mental health workers, see that they are suffering a 'mild' mood disorder. Suddenly all your talk of 'sorry, I know I'm unpredictable/I know I messed you around/my mood disorder is making my depressed because I see myself ruining my life' looks like empty posturing and attention seeking gubbins when in fact, you're trying to be honest.

I find it frustrating too that this misconception is left unchallenged by so many. Few would argue, after The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive, that Stephen Fry has a real and genuine mental health condition that dramatically impacted his life. Fewer still know that his actual diagnosis is cyclothymia, not bipolar disorder. If they did, I sense the understanding of the word 'mild' in all those articles would alter.

Cyclothymia is milder than other conditions; such as schizophrenia and bipolar; the altered mental state it induces is a less significant change than in those conditions, sufferers are not as immediately recognisable as being somehow 'wrong' when in the grip of an attack, but they are no less worn down by it and negatively impacted by the unpredictability and instability of their mental state.  

In short, it is a common and damaging misconception.  
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
Day 3; Write a story in six words. Allow only six minutes, now....go!

The day civilisation ended, I danced.
askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
Day 2: Put your music on random shuffle. List the first 5 songs and discuss.

I'd be Lying - Greg Laswell
I bought this album and a couple of other cds after I saw him as part of the Hotel Cafe tour in Brighton sometime in 2007/2008.  I completely fell in love with his understated style in contrast to the others on the bill and thought that, whilst there was some rough edges (frequently recurring melodies, repetitive at times), it was very promising stuff.  

This song was on a playlist I used to listen to whilst painting so I can't hear it without immediately seeing the surroundings of my room in Brighton, sitting on the floor on the rather sad beige carpet, easel in front of me, paints and brushes scattered across the room.  Sunshine coming through my window - even in winter my beach front south facing window always caught the best rays of the day.

Oh My Love My Love - Kevin Johansen
Forgot I had this! Nice surprise on shuffle.

This comes from an album I bought whilst in Buenos Aires.  He was chart fodder and on the music channels with some cute video with a puppet show almost constantly.  Being in BsAs for nearly 3 months, these things permeate.  Headed down to my nearest record store and bought this.

This track is one of the strongest on the album without too much cheesy Spanish guitar and has pleasing harmonies and a rhythm which sort of rocks you comfortably in your seat.

Keep Punching Joe - Daniel Johnston
Bought this double album (Hi, How Are You?/The Continued Story) after watching the phenomenal The Devil and Daniel Johnston from the tiny little dedicated indie retailer who bought the rights and protected them while Daniel was ill/invisible.  This jazzy, grainy recording has heart-in-mouth potential; you can hear every single shred of ambition and inspiration that the young Daniel sang into his tiny tape recorder on this track and it sort of breaks my heart this is the best original recording there is.

Change the Clocks - The Boy Who Trapped the Sun
This is from an E.P. I bought during a gig, The Boy Who Trapped the Sun was supporting Lisa Mitchell who was playing the basement bar in Komedia in Brighton just a few months ago.  His set far outstripped hers in talent, performance, originality and enjoyability.   He was also jolly nice when I had a quick chat to him while purchasing this E.P.

More specifically, this track reminds me of sitting way off to the right of the stage with James, who was down to Brighton for a couple of nights, and my then-girlfriend Cilla.  Cilla and I had been to London that day to visit my favourite gallery, Tate Modern, and had narrowly avoided completely missing the gig.  I was entranced with TBWTTS's performance of this particular track - other audience members were talking and laughly LOUDLY and generally being a bit dickish and ignorant to the rather spectacular performance that was unfolding in front of them.

You Make Me Want to Drink Bleach - Easyworld
Lancaster University; first year, second and third term. LUSerNet (Lancaster University's greatest contribution to the world).  Driving to Cumbria.  V2004 in the Strongbow tent, whilst Keane played on the NME stage.  Exhilirating. Youth.  Freedom.

Although, it has to be said, I prefer the stylophone mix [/picky]


I'm surprised by how non-shameful my shuffle was.  I expected to have to skip songs I've never listened to but still sit in the bowels of my [6 year old] iPod but I didn't!  Perhaps the time to actually *use* shuffle is now.

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askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
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