askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
[personal profile] askygoneonfire
 I'm not quite sure what I want to write about.  There's a lot of background stress in my life right now and it's hard to know what thread to pull on. 

I wrote in my other journal about recognising the need for rest and relaxation and how I am trying to do that.

I've walked for between 20 minutes and 3 hours every single day for the last 10 days. It's been nice.  I've felt really...satisfied by that kind of activity. Just pushing on and on. There's an 18 mile walk in 2 weeks around the city boundary which, for a £5 registration fee (goes to charity of your choice amongst 20 or so) is stewarded and guided. I think I may go for it.

Below the cut are some of my camera-phone (unedited, because I don't know how to edit) snaps from this week's 2.5 hour walk through the city and along the seafront.  I do love this city. (click to embiggen)













I struggle to stay 'in the moment'. I look at these photos and lament that I may have to leave, move away from Brighton to find work. I see in them the fact that I couldn't make my face turn into a convincing smile when I tried to do selfies because my MH is still really poor and my mood is in the toilet.  I see simultaneously the beauty of the beach, the light that is specific to this time of year. I remember my sense of achievement in my walking yet again. I remember the fresh smell, the sun warming my skin, the exercise warming my body, the noise of the gulls.

But I also remember the [imagined?] stares and sideways looks of strangers. What did they think? Did they see a woman, alone, looking odd in her face, not right somehow, taking photos - what is she some sort of vain fool? A tourist? A madwoman? And then my own sense of isolation, walking alone - partly chosen, partly the only option. Other people with friends and children and partners and lovers. Laughing, and arguing, and exploring. And me, a lone figure. Not wanting to communicate, but being terrified of being alone.

It's a constant mess of feelings when I am low. Impossible to hang on to a good feeling, or return unequivocally to one emotion at a time. I keep looking at the photos, trying to see them again. Sometimes that is actually quite successful - photos can help.
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askygoneonfire: Red and orange sunset over Hove (Default)
a sky gone on fire

May 2017

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